gingerbread coffin

we charge into danger

2009-04-07T00:12:03Z

Running bare footed. racing blindly through a narrow maze of allys its only a matter of time before i hit the wall of limitation. The shock of impact will bring me back to my senses, where the fuck have i been? the city's filth has washed away my tracks. leaving behind me was security, insisting i push forward to a lifestyle that is filled with profiling. i hope that being blind for the time i can also be mute. the avoidence of mixing lives is key to being successful.
Today i went to get another application at Ruby Tuesdays. I have to keep the original job as a coffee server. wearing a smile as i pour my heart into every one of those styrofoam cups that i hand to a customer. only to see that white cup discarded on the side of the road. black peace sign marked with grease pencile facing my window. I am pursuuing a job as a waitress. another job where my smile and pleasent voice can earn me the reward of the nights tips. Ruby tuesdays... here comes heather ashey.
My mother brought me to run a few errands today. Her hands squeezed the wheel steering the car in uncomfortable jerks. A high voice filled with a slight sound of desperation. shes either high... or losing her mind. I have caught onto a few exibitations of this state of mind when she gives me insight on her childhood and has a cynical laugh to finish the story of how her mother was bitter. Today while we were at the salvation army she commented several times on my weight. how i should stop gaining now before it is out of my control. she kept giving me size tens instead of fives. better then hearing people tell me how i look pregnate.
i wrote out a preface only to erase the contents... sorry fokes oi got another journal for thoses thoughts.

any vegitable taste wonderful with ranch

2009-04-04T17:48:26Z

tell you the truth i would have fogoten all about this websight if it was'nt for a friend asking me why i call myself a rudegirl. i logged in yesterday to check out my old entries. wow that brought back alot of history. every entry i wrote was centered around mike and drugs... ha i guess thats just what my life was centered around when i was fifteen. lost alot of close friends from my experiments and down fall. hell i lost my own respect. luckly mike abandoned me on our one year and couple month aniversery. he was right to do so. the last time i heard from him was when we hung out over the fall. he was looking to me for guidence for healing... i gave him everything i could. i put to much on the table and lost it all. now hes just a face and name in my past. to an epiloge of my drug abuse... i stoped all man made drugs. still i smoke my weed but im not so head stonge on trying to force the life style onto my parents. fuck...

i rewrote my bio... said im intrested in control. i have NO intrest in controling other people. im a very big believer in free will. i just want control of my own life. of my own self once i find who that is.
the other day i was asking this addict why she couldnt just stop hurting me. her answer was a relization. "why do you let me hurt you, keep letting me hurt you?" oh shit i have the control to take you out of my life. to give up on someone who doesnt recipercate the same feelings of devotion. so i said my form of a good bye and have been ignoring all calls since. i have control but forget to use it.

i went out to eastern last night to visit adam. i have yet to stop the celebration of my birthday even when it was five days prior to today. i brought a jug of vodka to share between the two of us and his friend gabe. we watched kids in the hall *brain candy* and drank. i was bitting my lips and knuckles. when i got droped off there was a feeling of nausia. i have a attraction to adams friend. my cheeks turn red when i make eye contact with this beautiful boy, then i quickly divert my gaze.. hah who knew i could be so modest.

rudegirlska @ 2009-04-03T14:01:00

2009-04-03T18:02:13Z

stay tuned

rudegirlska @ 2006-07-10T09:24:00

2006-07-10T13:53:16Z

whats up LJ friends, hows life. I got like ten minuets before summer school so i dicided to write. I went to this farwell dinner with Mike yesterday. His aunts going back to cali, omg i love her. she is so energetic, actuly she reminds me of Marybeth alot. Her humor, and the way she talks, like lifes a party, i love that aditude. we went to his grandparents house, such a nice place, its a reconstruction of a 1700s ranch i think. it was so pretty, you walk in and it brings you back to what life is. the house sits on like 45 ancres of land on which horses used to graze, they're to old to keep horses anymore. well everyone in his family thinks im anorexic bc i had an upset stomach and didnt want to eat really. i did i made sure i porked out on the pie, so they wouldnt be alarmed. truth is, i could never be anorexic, i love food. its flavors, it amazes me when im high. ill sit eating a mango and apperciate it to a loser extent. after words we went back to his house, we broke down so we sat on the side of the road dancing to the blinking noise that the emergency lights made. we got back did some *stuff* and wow i was wird. I didnt fall asleep till 4 am last night. the only thing that could keep up with my mind, was the music blaring, and my heart rate. it was weird like no matter how much i breathed i couldnt fill my lungs. lol i wont be doing that alot, just ocasionaly. ah life is soo good right now, i might have pink eye, but thats the biggest problem in my life, so im loveing this whoole summedr thing. summmmmer time and the livings easy, i spread my wings and i touch the sky. Me first and the gimmie gimmies!

rudegirlska @ 2006-06-23T23:48:00

2006-06-24T03:54:02Z

why are they scared of him? this heartless messia, you fallow him blindly, so get on your fucking kneees and suck his cock. Make him cum so you can sleep.

haha idk im pretty high over here. how are yall? its sure hot in the summer eh pals? Im refusing to wear cloths when at all nessecerry. arg... whats new with me? hmmm well im sooo happy its summer, which means i ccanstay up late and eat ice cream. NOT im lactos and tolerant now, bc god hates me. lol, yea that means no more milk stuff like ice cream. o yea just to make sure and clearify shit, im a vegitarian not vegan.

this weekend im going camping, and tomarrow im going to mikes cousins graduation thing. fun fun. im so going high bc idk if i can handle that side of the family there all conservitive. so i should dress like a lesbian hippy.

i saw jess today, yes i forgave her, she went and got help, and now shes getting better. I spent like three hours at her house, and came home around ten. ive been living at ajs since the school ended but i left yesterday/ lots of fun adventures were had. at the mall, when kori road a electromic kids hourse. and with paddle boat that didnt work so we had to use our legs. oh man i love su,,eer/ damn pok i cant hit the right keys any mroe so im out. PEACE AND UNITY!

rudegirlska @ 2006-05-08T19:48:00

2006-05-08T23:51:05Z

hey kittens, i know its me, what a surprise. I havnt written in here in soo long. Things are going... well. My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 9 months, i know crazy. Last year i was such a fuck up.this years better though, im not suicidal anymore, well im still depressed but i can handle it. I got off suspention, first day back today. o it was soooo much fun compared to being at my house. Even though the whole fuckign time i was suspended i was stonned. yea isnt it funny, they suspend me for smoking weed and my parents lock me up in my room so i wont beable to smoke... hehe silly parents. I let them ground me, it was like a game, like we were playing house almost. Like they never diciplin me, or anything, they arnt to much like parents, like we share a apartment, but i bet those people aare closer then me and my parents. I went along with the punishment, i did everything they asked and told me, bc i thought, "im 16, if they want one last time to feel like they control me ill let them have it," i work out nicly, and i was allowed to see people the next weekend. I did shrooms, ah sooo amazing! I saw my frined nick on saturday, we smoked like 8 grams and watched alice in wonderland. He tried once to kiss me but i pushed him away, to tell you the truth i was almost tempter to kiss him, just bc i wondered what a tounge ring would feel like. i didnt though, thank god, i would have hated myself soooo much for hurting my boyfriend like that. I went over ariels today and hung out there for a wail. its always fun at her house! theres always a party with how many people live there. hehe i love it.

damn i have a head ach... :'(

rudegirlska @ 2006-03-27T15:29:00

2006-03-27T20:22:12Z

it sucks being sick

rudegirlska @ 2006-03-23T16:03:00

2006-03-23T20:59:40Z

8 more days hurray!!! cant wait.... Well i stayed home today, i needed to cleanse myself from the inside out. i did, i feel more in control now. its 15 mineuts till 420, im waiting till then to smoke.. not alots been happening, nothing actully, i think i just wasted your time sorry, ill update when somethings happening.

rudegirlska @ 2006-03-11T02:00:00

2006-03-11T07:00:51Z

Not a good night, I bought 40$ in weed and smoked soo much of it tonight bc i was deppressed. My boyfriend ditched me, so i felt lonely. It sucked sooo badly though bc i was high so when he told me that he couldnt hang out i smoked soo much and every time i got a bad high. My heart feels like its trying to pull itself out of quick sand, i hurts. Cathy sleeped over last night, we made achoholic smothies right in front of my mom, she didnt even notice. GOood times.

rudegirlska @ 2006-03-06T15:19:00

2006-03-06T20:18:23Z

Aj's was sooo much fun. Friday she came off the bus and we hung out here, then her mom picked us up around 530 and we went to Olive Garden, got home, did CCC and tripped till 5 am. Saturday we went to a art exibit in east hartford then shopping. Kelly Zambo came over and we bought some weed, and hung out at Bills. Then I got home on Sunday. Mike came over later, I love him soo much.

Cassie is such a dumb whore, she went around calling me a whore bc i wont sell her weed, so i confronted her and made her cry, it was funny bc all her "friends" backed me up bc they hate her. So tomarrow there might be a fight. I cant stand two faced bitches. It seems like i replace jess and cassie with Cathy and Aj. Im glade, bc these people are true friends and not some skanky dumb bitches.

rudegirlska @ 2006-03-01T13:18:00

2006-03-01T18:21:57Z

I stayed home today, i had really bad cramps. Now im stuck at home all day being bored. This sucks. O well at least i didnt have to go to school. Well this weekend im going over Aj's, and hanging out with Kelly and Kori, then i might go to Nina's and do a ritual. I like being wiccan everything makes more sence now... idk if its because i found spirtuality or bc Im getting alot better with my deppression... i dont know... Well Ed and i think that my anti deppression meds get me really high. Thats why im always fucked up when i smoke.

I had such a bad dream last night, where ed didnt love me anymore and he found a new skinnier, prettier, girl. I know that would never happen but i feel really lonely now. I dont know im a real self concious person but this year bc im not a whore and approching every guy, ive had guys come up to me. Its nice. Im not lowering myself anymore and maye guys notic that, so they are less putt off. I make sure everyone knows i have a boyfriend, and that i love him so im taken and in a way that kinda makes guys want me more.... o well im sooo happy with ed. I dont like how he get all pissed if i mention that some guys flirt with me... i mean its going to happen but he has to trust me not to do anything with them, and he does, he just get jelouse i guess. o well i would smack the shit out of any bitch that tried to get with my man... lol, i understand i guess. Well NOONE has been commenting on my LJ. Some one please do!

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-27T16:46:00

2006-02-27T21:53:09Z

stayed after school with Aj, and Kelly. Love those girls. Aj bought $20, My friend bought $30, and Justin bought $5. Aj imedeitly grabed two big ass bud and got most of it, I put Justins in a bag to give to him, and Mels was wraped in a paper towel. I took a little, just bc Kevin went into my room and smoked all my weed last night so i didnt have any. I cant belive he did that. He said he would give me a gram in return. Im really high and full. After we smoked and froze our ass's off we all went to friendly's. We were laughing and the waiter and everyone else soooo knew. But we bought 2 plates of fries, and ice cream. It was sooo good. But i had to leave at 415.

I had a family conflict yesterday it sucked... I got pulled into it so it made me feel like shit. I got Jake to delete jess off his myspace, we were talkign about how pathedic she was bc she had him as her top eight. i mean a guy who dumped you and your not friends with as your top eight, iu guess she dosnt have to many friends. I love jake, Hes such a good friend.

im sooo full! but completly thirsty. I wish Ed and i could have hung out today, but he had to cut wood... o well ill just entertain myself by SMOKING WEED lol

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-24T12:01:00

2006-02-24T17:14:19Z

epp cant wait, in like one month ill turn 16! OMG!! lol... i know i wont feel any different... but ill be able to get a job, and with a job means money and money mean more weed! yay! lol thats my motavation! lol. Im not addicted to it but i loooovvvveeee smoking it! lol. Tonight im sopposed to hang out with ashley, and tommarrow i have that party! Idk if ill sleep over her house, maybe ill go get fucked up stay till 10 or 11, and like come home. Eds HOPEFULLY coming. idk if colbys going to be there, and if he is... idk... I imed him saying dont start shit with me or my boy, and he went off about how hes clean. LOL BULLSHIT!

I dont want to do acid anymore, i bought some but got ripped off and took some pill that made me and my friend really really really tierd... so were trying to get or money back... I told ed and he laughed bc he said thats what was going to happen. I still want to tripp and not just on CCC so i might try shrooms. I know there going to taste llike ass but what ever... i heard eating them with chocolate helps. and drinking OJ will intensfy it. lol talking to nick. were planning a road trip this summer, bc he has a truck and i know i could get away with it! lol that would be cool. I want to go to texas try acid for a bit. I know some people down there that would bring us in and feed us "brownies". Oooo maybe i can get him to go to Cali too. Summers going to rule big time... o wait shit i have summer school! o well ill only be gone a week or two. meh.

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-22T10:12:00

2006-02-22T15:11:30Z

no one has been updating... o well... Ed came over lastnight... Got my cat high, smoked a bowl then a joint...

Notic how most of my entrys start with that? Idk I smoke alot, every day if not more... but its not bad, im not addicted, i just like being high... Well theres a party at one of my friends house this weekend. Her parents are gone, and she said she was going to try and get a band there. I heard theres sopposed to be mad people going, and you know what that means... LOTS OF DRUGS! lol. i cant wait!

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-21T11:08:00

2006-02-21T16:13:45Z

went over cathys two nights ago, got drunk snuck out went to this guys Ians house, smoked out of a gravity bong, got high, then walked back, it was amazing! lol i was soooooooooo messed up! Ed came over yesterday. How can i love someone as much as i do him? Hes soo fragile almost. Hes everything... his body is like my temple... i love him... we made our own gravity bong. I tried to hit off it but it felt like i was drinking fire... i love it. Smoked two more bowl packs, and held each other. every time im with him it feels like a kodac moment, and the things we say to each other may sound corny but its in that theres love and we mean it. Life seems so clear now, its like that clearenx commercial were every thing was fuzzy but then it became clear, thats my life. Im so content now... I have alot more respect and friends this year becuase of my change. and its nice to have guys hit on me but i leave them hanging which makes them want me more. Im not just setteling, i have higher standereds in life. I want to make something of myself now. I want to grow old with a man that i love, with two kids, and that clechie (*sp) white picket fence around my yellow cottage. I want a stable life, stable job, stable marrige, and i want a future.

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-18T13:17:00

2006-02-18T18:12:16Z

yesterday has got to be like the best day ever! I had so much fun... I hope i have as much fun tonight~!

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-09T15:06:00

2006-02-09T20:06:41Z

hmm not alot happens around here, last night i took a shower in front of Mike to tease him... it was funny. Went to a gsa thing yesterday. I meet some really cool people. and started a game with them. wow my lifes getting dull, well it isnt its just i cant write down the stuff im excited for.

I invited a guy to smoke with me bc he lives down the road, and ive been talking to this other guy who said he'll watch me do acid to make sure i wont have a bad trip. Hes pretty cool.

Im sopposed to go to eds little sisters band thing tonight. She invited me last night so ill probely get high so that the music can just wash over me. I love being with ed so im deffeeently going, let me correct that last thing, i love ed. and i always will.

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-07T18:09:00

2006-02-07T23:07:04Z

Well basicly i planned today all around seeing ed, and his dads being an ass and said no. All bc ed's not going to move in with him when the divorce happens. Yea im upset and im crying i dont care im pathedic ill admitt that. I hate being with out him... i need him to live... idk... like when he told me my heart literaly crushed, i could feel it...

I dont know what to do now, like i have nothing else to do... maybe Ill go take some ccc and trip... aright later.

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-04T10:02:00

2006-02-04T15:00:59Z

ed came over yesterday, I almost threw up for the first time when smokeing weed. I took to big of a hit and gaged. Going to the movies today with ashley! its going to be fun since were smoking before hand. Then Im off to AJ's house. I think we're doing CCC so it should be... intresting. Ive been really stressed out the last couple of days bc of ed wanting to do coke, I really dont want him to. But i talk to him last night and he said he wont... I got happy right after that... Well Im a little slow this morning bc i was really high last night, so im going to go and relax a little. I'll update later!

rudegirlska @ 2006-02-01T12:52:00

2006-02-01T17:54:59Z

Yesterday i stayed after for gsa, after school Ariel Jimmy and i went across the street bc i wanted to look at flowers. I got two, kept the one the lady said would die soon, and gave ed one... I think for Valentines Day im going to give him something like a stuffed animal. Because its just a corperate holiday. I just hope he dosnt get anything bigger then that bc ill feel bad. Well four days after Valentines is our 6 month annerversry (SP?) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant wait. Those things mean alot to me... Most men in my life have taken advantage of me, or hurt me, and Ed is not like that at all. Hes totaly saved me from myself. So im not sure what to get him... I was thinking of a new Bowl, but... he aready has one... So any sugestions? If i were a virgin i would sooooo give that to him... but im not... idk...

I stayed home today, monday i faked being sick and karma totaly got back to me on that...

I noticed how this diary is so super ficial compared to my other one... I just dont like some people knowing some things... o well

rudegirlska @ 2006-01-30T13:02:00

2006-01-30T18:11:43Z

I stayed home today, i didnt do my eviromental science hw so i couldnt go in. I dont want to get bad grades. I like how i can think strait now, i think its bc I ditched jess. She was a very bad influence on me, so now i have my life in perspective. I had MIke over last night, (oh btw Mike and Ed are the same person) it waas nice, we got high, and cuddled... idk he said something to me that kinda made me scared. I asked him if he would leave me if i ever got pregnate. idk i was hopping he would say he would be here for me, but instede he said he would run as far as a stolen car would take him. That scaed the shit out of me... like its VERY unlikly i would get pregnat but just in case i need to know if hes going to stick by me. I hurt soooooooooo badly when he said that. Idk I still think if i did get pregnate i would kill my self. Just bc i know i would have no future.... I told him that too. he said he would send money if i didnt kill myself, that REALLY made me think this relationship through... Idk when he saw me cry he said he wouldnt leave me, but i think he wws just saying that...

Idk if i did get pregnate and he ran i would be soooooooo lost

I asked my brothers ex gf what i should do this is what she said,

well, loaded hypothetical questions often lead to angry answers, but he was probably be honnest. use condoms.

I trust her, shes very smart, and i look up to her.

rudegirlska @ 2006-01-29T12:21:00

2006-01-29T17:20:00Z

i was going to complain about how you guys dont comment on my journal but then i relized fuck it this is my journal its my usage only. so if you guy dont comment what ever i just need a place where i can vent.

Had ariel over last night. lol fun times, tried to dye my hair pink, we'll see how it turned out when it drys....

Other then that nothings really going on, My aunts coming over today and so is my brother chris who i havnt seen since christmas! lol. Hopefully ed can hang out today too. but ill update later when stuff is going on.

rudegirlska @ 2006-01-28T13:07:00

2006-01-28T18:19:30Z

went to eds party last night. hung over lol.... got there aroung 530 and i had to talk to his gradma before i could get through the door.... I walk down stairs and pull back the curtain and a bellow of smoke just rises out. i walk in see 5 of his friends sitting smoking ciggs. Eds sister came down stairs and hide like right next to ed but he was so high he didnt notic, so he pulled out his bong and holds it up asking if anyone wanted a hit. I was laughing... well the party was mostly getting high, and someone brought liquar... I know ed dosnt like me drinking but i do anywawys, i havnt in so long. Well three people showed up, this girl that i had a threesome with *two girls at some party* was all awkard. and two other guys showed up. I was trying to get acid from this one kid but ed got all maad bc he dosnt want me doing it, and he was afraid that the guy would ripp him off. Welll as the party ended i spilt alot of liquar on my skirt, so i had to beg my mom to let me sleep over. She eventuly said yes.

Later that night ed pulled out a tiny baggy containing a drug and asked if i wanted some. I of course said yes, so after we messed around a little we did some. it wasnt that great but i couldnt really tell bc i was still reeally high.

I started on ed, massaging him, touching him, kissing, and pretty soon we were fucking. right before he cummed his sister walks in and just stands there. Ed and i freak but we are so high we didnt do anything but tell her to close her eye and leave.

I guess she didnt tell bc eds mom didnt care when i didnt sleep in the living room.

it was the best sleep i ever got, well i woke up at four thirty and stayed up, but for the four hours it was hevan.

We woke up early, and went upstairs his mom was cool about it. she smiled and was plesent. Sat in the living playing with the dog, and his sister comes in, that girl is soo going to be a pot head. well we smoked some more, and i was teasing his sister, then ed and i took a nap. still tierd and ariels coming over soon YAY that makes me happy.

rudegirlska @ 2006-01-26T16:25:00

2006-01-26T21:24:18Z

talked to ed he cant come over...oh well... idk sometimes i get excited to see him and focas my whole day on the moment i can be with him. it sucks when it dosnt work out. idk. Is it good to lie to some one to keep them from worriing? like i kinda do that to ed, i dont want to be the gf with a bunch of problems so when i tell him how my day was i sugar coat it kinda. idk. Like when i told him about my dream, i left out the parts that made me sooooooooooo afraid to go into school today, or stay after. Or if idk like i relasped ill lie and pretend im better... is that ok? if its out of love i mean?

rudegirlska @ 2006-01-26T14:59:00

2006-01-26T20:04:26Z

I bleached my hair last night, but i did it really high, like three bowl packs, and a bong pack.... it didnt come out great. I dont know why but i was thinking of shaving my head... idk i dont care what guys or girls think of me in a apperence way you know. im in love it dosnt matter what other guys think... but its to cold out to shave it all off. Maybe this summer i will. Well dying my hair pink tonight! not the whole head only some, if the bleach works. Im going to ask ed to help... but really i wanted ann excuse to be alone with him in the shower... lol. its not like we havnt done it in the shower before... *except this time SOMEONE wont be able to use all the hot water before we get in* COUGH COUGH! lol jk o h well. i really need to see ed tonight, since hes been kicked out we only talk a little bit and it sucks bc i kinda needed him the last couple nights... hopefully we can be together tonight.

Taking piano. makes no sence, i can only play one song and its just efg notes.